There was something I could never understand as I stood in the playground during lunchtime at primary school… why is everyone happy? Why do I not feel like that?
To everyone I seemed like a fairly typical girl with a good friend group. But day in and day out I was struggling with how I felt at school. I got through primary school by every so often being too “ill” to attend. It wasn’t the most effective strategy but it provided just enough rest to contend with the expectation of attending school 5 days a week for what felt like an eternity.
What I failed to realise was it could get worse than this. Secondary school. Multiple classes and teachers per day and so many people. I was shy, quiet and nervous. Secondary was loud, big and daunting. First year was incredibly difficult. By the time I cruised into 2nd year I was running on an empty tank. And in February of that year, I refused to return. I couldn’t explain at the time but I needed a long break. This wasn’t one of my “illnesses”. It was new and felt truly terrible.
After seeking help with mental health services, I was referred for an autism assessment. At 14 I was diagnosed with autism. Some say this was late, and at the time that was how it felt. All my time slogging through, class after class, day after day. Now I feel I am fortunate as it allowed me to access support sooner. I felt I was more able to describe why I struggled. The environment. Loud, bright, scents and people everywhere. I spent so much time masking, I was exhausted. I returned and finished school with supports in place (much easier with a label) but it was still incredibly challenging.
I struggle with walking out my front door. Outside is a world full of overstimulation. I struggle with verbal communication, I struggle knowing what to say, what expressions I should be making with my face. I find eye contact so challenging so majority of the time I will be looking in a direction off in the distance. It may not seem like I’m listening but I am. I struggle to manage a few people let alone crowds. I always wear headphones and listen to music as it helps me zone out of busy, loud environments. I wear a mask to help with my communication and to prevent strong scents triggering headaches. I wear glasses at times to cut out bright lights. It’s like turning the volume of the world to low.
Despite this during my time at university, I have managed to attend some lectures and small classes. It requires planning and support but I can manage. I now have more time to discover what interests me, what doesn’t and to enjoy learning. Each day brings with it a roll of the dice and many days are still difficult. There are days when I cannot focus or sit still and get frustrated with myself and lack of progress. But for those days that make me feel proud because I managed a lecture or went to a tutorial, those are irreplaceable. It may not seem impressive, in fact it’s expected of me as a student but I don’t agree. Success is different for everyone and can even change for someone on a day to day basis. Never measure your success to others or criticise theirs. We only experience our own journey and only see what people choose to show.
I think its is so to important raise awareness of neurodiversity because it can be challenging and temperamental. I have struggled with my mental health and still do and I can’t stress enough how important it is to reach out for help. Celebrate the small victories and allow yourself to have off days. Getting the right support is paramount and can change everything. It’s a trying process as some things work and many don’t and self-advocation can be tiring. But the end result is often worth it.
