Michael’s funeral

Deciding between in-person and online attendance at funerals 

In this commentary Vikki Entwistle looks at online attendance at funerals as an option. She encourages consideration of how well it can fulfil the various purposes of funerals.

Michael’s funeral included a service at the crematorium that was attended by some of his close family and circle of concern.  The service was also streamed online so others could also watch as it happened.  Michael’s niece Hannah joined online but wondered whether she should have travelled to be at the funeral in person.   

The live-streaming of funerals became more widespread in the UK during the early stages of the COVID-19 pandemic.  For a while, legal restrictions limited how far people could travel and how many people could gather in one place.  In those circumstances, live-streaming was often the only way in which some people could engage with a funeral.  As live-streaming continues to be offered as an option for at least some funerary activities, more people may need to decide whether to attend in person or to join online.

Sometimes people see it as so obvious that they would attend a particular funeral, and in person, that they don’t think of it as a decision at all.  For example, they might share such clear family and community expectations about their attendance that they wouldn’t entertain not being present unless there were significant practical difficulties preventing them.  (A commentary on the case of Michael’s funeral illustrates this from an African-Caribbean perspective).

Sometimes, however, people can find themselves grappling with a decision about whether and how to attend a funeral.  There can be various considerations and sources of uncertainty. Some relate to the degree of closeness or distance people see in their relationship to the person who died, and to the degree of ease or difficulty involved in the potential journey to get to the funeral in person. These are both relevant to take account of, but people can reasonably disagree about where the boundaries lie. What degrees of distance or difficulty should influence commitments to attend?

People facing decisions about funeral attendance will be variously aware of the expectations of others, including the person who died, the person or group organising the funeral, and the broader cultural and perhaps religious communities to which they belong.  These can also be very important to consider. But people do not all share the same norms and priorities relating to funeral attendance. Often some expectations will pull one way, and some will pull another way. It can sometimes be difficult to decide what to do.

Making a ‘good’ decision about whether and how to attend a funeral can be very important to people because death is a major event in our lives and relationships, and attendance at funerals can be significant in several ways. Exactly why it can be important to attend a funeral varies to some extent across cultures, but going to a funeral is widely seen, at least to some extent, as a matter of:

• showing respect and appreciation for the (life of the) person who died
• marking the significance of, and an end to, a relationship with the person who died (in some sense saying goodbye)
• expressing condolence and offering support to people close to the person who died
• acknowledging and contributing to an important life event (for some people, this includes practices associated with religious beliefs about ensuring the good fate or onward journey of a person’s soul)
• affirming one’s place within a family, friendship group or community, and perhaps fulfilling one’s responsibilities within that group or community. 

Online viewing of a funeral offers less scope to fulfil some of these purposes – or at least less scope to fulfil them in conventional ways. That is why some people consider it a less good option, and one that should be kept primarily for mourners for whom it would be particularly impractical to attend a funeral in person. Technological developments are likely to increase what is possible via online attendance over time. We might anticipate, for example, more ‘two-way’ communication than much livestreaming has enabled to date. 

Some of the purposes of funeral activity can also be at least partially fulfilled by means other than funeral attendance.  For example, writing an obituary or tribute can show respect and appreciation for the person who died, spending time in contemplation can serve as at least a private goodbye-saying, and sending a card or gift to a bereaved family can express condolence and offer support. These might be used in addition to online viewing.

Growing experience of online funeral attendance, and shifting ideas about its place, alongside other activities, in fulfilling the different purposes of funerals, may lead us to engage with it differently and influence our views about the value and appropriateness of doing so.

The  case story tells us only part of the reasoning behind Hannah’s decision to watch Michael’s funeral online.  We hear about her mother’s suggestion and some of the practicalities that featured in Hannah’s reasoning, but we don’t know the details and we cannot tell from the description how Hannah was balancing her various social responsibilities and personal preferences.  It would be unfair to judge the appropriateness of Hannah’s decision, much less the quality of her character, given the limited information we have. However, as options for engaging with funerals online evolve, the case study can usefully get us thinking about the various considerations that can be relevant for deciding how to use them – and for evaluating such decisions. 
 

An African-Caribbean perspective on attending funerals 

Laura Pusey draws on personal and professional experience of funerals within African and Caribbean cultures to consider some contrasts between Hannah’s online viewing and more extensive forms of participation in funerals. This commentary can usefully be read in conjunction with the commentary on bereavement and work .

From an African or Caribbean, ‘Black’ British perspective, it seems unusual that a niece would watch her uncle’s funeral online (and particularly at work) when there was an option to attend in person.  An uncle is considered close family within African and Caribbean cultures, and a funeral - a celebration of the life lived - is a show of unity, strength and love by and for all members of the family and wider community.

Within African and Caribbean cultures, Hannah would have been expected to be present not only at Michael’s funeral, but in the days leading up to and following that event, to support her mother and others in her family (not necessarily all blood relatives), her aunt and cousins, and perhaps other of Michael’s relatives. Hannah’s absence at this time would have been noticed and people would have asked where she was. 

Nine Night and Homecoming

The first evening of a death in African and Caribbean cultures marks the start of Nine Night.  Nine Night activities reflect a belief that that person’s spirit will depart from the Earthly realm on the ninth night.  Christian faith has been a staple in the lives of both African and Caribbean families for many centuries, but it never fully extinguished the ancient light of African spirituality. Ideas from both are interwoven in thinking about the transition of death. There is often a sense both of the soul of the departed returning to God who has given life and God who has taken away, and also of returning back home.  Even among people who do not regularly attend a Christian congregation, a general belief that the spirit of the deceased continues beyond death is respected, accepted and often welcomed. Death is viewed as a passing from one realm to another and the funeral is often referred to as a Homegoing Celebration.

From the time that Michael passed, the home he shared with Hannah’s aunt would have become a welcoming space for people to visit, remember Michael and offer their respects.  Over the course of the nine nights, more and more people would visit Michael’s house, sometimes staying until the early hours of the morning.  Diverse emotions, including of grief, would tend to be expressed freely, although ultimately a general coming together of the community is expected, with a sense of joyous appreciation for the life that Michael lived.  If Hannah was not in attendance during the previous evening gatherings, she would certainly have been expected on the Ninth night to mark the completion of Michael’s earthly journey.

The Funeral Gathering and Backfilling of the Grave

Most often within an African-Caribbean community, Michael’s funeral would be a large and celebratory performance attended by people from far and wide. It would typically be held within a local church.  Although the numbers of church attendance appear to be fading nationally, the congregation present to witness Michael’s funeral ceremony would be strong alongside a burial service. The ritual of family and community members (rather than cemetry staff) backfilling the grave, is of vital importance. Most commonly performed by the men, this ritual is viewed as showing honour through last respects, guaranteeing the safety of the body and offering a nod to the ancestors. 

As more people opt for cremation services the use of crematorium chapels rather than churches is becoming more popular. This also allows for a shorter and less religious funeral affair. Not everyone  in attendance would have had a close and ongoing relationship with Michael: many people with whom Michael and his family members had formed connections, and other well-wishers, would typically attend his funeral to support the family. Traditionally, family members living in Africa, the Caribbean or Americas would make significant effort to return to the UK for Michael’s funeral.  If, for example, Michael had elderly parents or siblings still alive overseas, they might be accompanied by friends or relatives to ensure their health and safety during the journey.

The Wake: A Celebration of Life

Depending on the nature of their relationships with Michael, people who were not able to make it to the funeral service or burial ground would often be expected to ‘show their faces’ at the wake afterwards.  During the wake, food and drink are liberally shared over conversation, dance, laughter and maybe a game of dominoes or two in the background.  The wake is a great time of coming together and oftentimes community halls are filled to capacity as more people offer their condolences through attendance.  For Hannah the wake would not only be another important gathering through which she would remember her uncle; she would also be working with other family members to ensure their guests and well-wishers were fed, watered and comfortable.

Within an African-Caribbean community, Hannah would at least have travelled to be with her family for the days leading up to the Ninth night, funeral and through to the conclusion of the wake.  This strong cultural commitment to attend family and community funerals is held alongside a very strong work ethic.  It has never been acceptable within the various African and Caribbean communities to float through life without securing a form of respectable employment. Serious ill health or death of self or family members are the only instances that would trump a commitment to the workplace. From my African-Caribbean perspective Hannah would have returned diligently to work after travelling to be at Michael’s funeral and wake, but she would most definitely not have been watching it online at work. 
 

Bereavement and employment

In this commentary, Laura Pusey considers how we balance funeral attendance and work commitments. Laura also offers some reflections and questions about watching online funerals from a workplace. 

The story of Michael's funeral highlights the important influence that someone's employment can have on their attendance at a funeral and participation in other activities associated with a death event.  Attending a funeral can be important for several reasons, the significance of which can vary across cultures and circumstances , but it can also come into conflict with the demands of employment.  The increased use of livestreaming for funerals introduces new possibilities for balancing these competing demands.  It also raises new questions about what it means to handle the different demands well.

In the case story, Hannah is conflicted in her ability to be with her family for Michael’s funeral.  Her decisions about attending the funeral suggest she afforded her work a high priority, although we don’t know what options she thought she had or what exactly her reasoning was.  The story does not tell us directly about Hannah’s standing within the organisation she works for, nor how the business or her employment prospects might have been affected by a short notice absence.  It does, however, raise a number of questions about workplaces and their impact on funeral attendance and experiences of bereavement.

In the UK, employees have a statutory right to time off work if a ‘dependent’ (usually a partner, parent, child or someone who relies on them) dies.  Michael was not one of Hannah’s dependents, and an uncle-niece relationship is not always thought of as a particularly close family relationship.  This perhaps contributed to Hannah’s decision not to take time off work to travel to attend Michael’s funeral in person.  Although she was fond of Michael and had been inclined to attend his funeral, Hannah might not have felt confident about asking for or being granted leave to do so – especially if she thought her boss or colleagues would not consider an uncle-niece relationship to be very significant.  Hannah might also have been concerned that her absence would place a strain on her colleagues or make it hard for the organisation to fulfil its business commitments. 

During the COVID-19 pandemic, The Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development (CIPD) developed a guide to compassionate bereavement support for employers (CIPD, 2021).  This makes the case that “a compassionate and supportive approach demonstrates that the organisation values its employees, helps build commitment and is likely to reduce sickness absence and help retain employees”.  The CIPD guide reports from a survey of a representative sample of over 1000 working adults in the UK “that just over half (54%) of employees said that they were aware of their employer having a policy or support in place for employees experiencing bereavement while many were not”.  The onus often falls on the employee to inform themselves of company policy and negotiate with their employer about time off and pay following a loss.

The case story does not tell us what Hannah knew of her organisation’s policy around bereavement or compassionate leave, or time off more generally.  Her boss seems to have been thoughtful enough to offer her a private office space from which to view the funeral – perhaps to help her deal with the emotions it raised away from the working environment.  We might ask whether Hannah’s boss or colleagues also encouraged her to consider whether she would be better off staying at home for the day (or half a day) to watch it, or whether she would like to have a supportive colleague with her during or for a short while after the viewing of the service.  Of course, Hannah may have preferred to be at work to watch the funeral.  Perhaps she did not have a reliable internet connection or comfortable environment at home.  Hannah may also have preferred to watch the funeral alone than with a colleague who didn’t know Michael.  But she might also have thought that she would be happier among colleagues than alone at home for the rest of the day.  Perhaps her colleagues had offered to take her out after work so she could tell them about her uncle Michael and the positive effect he had on her life.

Hannah’s consideration for her employment contract extended to her arranging her lunch break to coincide with the timing of the funeral.  The case story did not tell us whether Hannah consumed her lunch while viewing her uncle's funeral, nor whether she ate later. She and we might have different opinions about which of those was more appropriate and why. 

In the case story, although Hannah felt a bit odd and was left with a few questions after watching the funeral, she doesn’t seem to have doubted her ability to return to her work.  It might have been prudent for her boss to check how she was. For some job roles an assessment of her emotional state and fitness for work would have been imperative, including for safety reasons.

There are many more employment-related possibilities and considerations that could be raised in association with this case.  Good employment practice in the context of bereavement is an important topic, and one that will need to be reviewed carefully as practices and cultural norms relating to the livestreaming of funerals evolve. 

Reference

• CIPD. (2021). A guide to compassionate bereavement support.