Jill’s funeral

Arranging a funeral: what burden, on whom? 

Sofia Allana, an experienced manager of cemetery and bereavement services, offers a personal perspective on the various ways in which direct cremation can appeal to and alienate people.

Direct cremation, by which we generally mean cremation without a service or mourners in attendance, is not a new idea.  It has been used in the UK for many years for public health funerals (sometimes called ‘paupers’ funerals’) which are held for people who have no relatives to arrange or pay for their funeral.  These funerals are paid for by local government funding.

In recent years, direct cremation has been more widely marketed, including by companies that offer it as their main service-product, companies selling funeral plans and funeral directors. What they include as direct cremation can vary, but their marketing often refers to ‘fuss free’ and ‘alternative’ funerals.  Direct cremation can be pre-purchased by people while they are alive or bought by family members or others who take on the responsibility of providing a funeral for someone who has died.  Direct cremation attracted more interest during the COVID-19 pandemic when the size of funeral gatherings was restricted, when some associated social activities such as receptions or funeral teas were temporarily banned, and when concerns about the risks of infection left many people reluctant to gather with others even after formal restrictions were lifted.  Another key driving force behind the wider promotion of direct cremation however is the recognition that many people worry about the expense of a funeral and the burden of debt this can impose on those they leave behind.  Direct cremation is thus often offered as a cheap no-frills option. It is presented as a relatively affordable alternative - another ‘choice’ that people can select when planning a funeral for themselves or others. 

Thinking critically about the promotion of direct cremation

We need to think critically about how information about different kinds of funeral (including variations on direct cremation) is presented and about what choices people are realistically able to make.  Although advertising campaigns promote direct cremation as the affordable option, there are alternatives that would enable people to have an attended funeral at similar costs, and some families are eligible for help and financial assistance with attended funerals from local government.  People are not always aware of these possibilities.  Recent developments in the regulation of funeral planning, and requirements for all funeral directors to offer clear information about the prices of key funeral options, may improve that to some extent, but more may be needed to support well-informed choice-making. 

For Jill, the ideas of “no fuss” and low cost seem to have been important factors in her request for direct cremation.  She didn’t want her money to be wasted “on a fancy coffin” and was keen to ensure she left her daughter a bit more – certainly not to impose financial pressure or worry on her.  Maxine had clearly heard her mum’s request and interpreted it as in keeping with Jill’s character – especially her inclination to think of others.  But we might still wonder about what exactly Jill wanted and why.  What did Jill, and what do others understand by ‘Direct Cremation’? For some people, “No fuss” could means a simple funeral, with no fancy cars, expensive coffin or elaborate floral tributes, but still involve a modest gathering of family and friends. And “No fuss” and “don’t waste my money on a fancy coffin” are the words many mothers might say, not wanting to burden the family they will leave behind, especially if the family are already under financial stress.  Many parents feel a need not to be a burden in life. Extending this concern through to death is understandable, but we can question the appropriateness of the social circumstances and advertising campaigns that cultivate it. 

Dave has a different perspective.  We can’t tell from the case story whether he has any financial concerns.  He understands what his sister Jill was like, and he can see that a request for a simple funeral is consistent with that, but he wants to ensure she is shown the respect at death that he thinks she deserved.  

The value of gathering 

Dave’s perspective also highlights some of the ways that funerals matter for the living.  He sees them as important for providing a time of reflection and a time to say goodbye.  Exactly how people do this varies as traditions are different and can depend on religion, culture and country.  An important common denominator, which Dave’s perspective illustrates, is a widely felt need for a family to come together as part of a grief journey, to remember the person, share memories, thoughts and feelings, and to comfort each other.  It is not often in our everyday lives that families make the same effort that they do when someone dies.  Dave seems keen not to lose this. 

Maxine’s plans for a later gathering, perhaps for an ash scattering, and for a meal on Jill’s birthday, do not seem satisfactory to Dave.  His perspective reflects important questions about whether a later memorial gathering can provide the same level of support for grieving family members as a funeral gathering closer to the time of someone’s death.  The families and friends of the deceased may have moved on emotionally as time passes, and perhaps might not make the same efforts to gather as they would for a funeral. 

Dave’s concerns are supported by experiences during the Covid 19 pandemic when many families could not have the kinds of funeral gathering they wanted and direct cremation increased. This resulted in people facing additional challenges as they struggled to deal with their grief, distressed that they couldn’t say goodbye and never feeling they got the closure they needed. 

We are not told in the case story whether Jill considered or discussed these possibilities when she requested direct cremation.  Direct cremation does not preclude people from arranging to gather at the same time (or at least relatively soon after a person dies) but it does change the possibilities for social responses to a death.  

Perhaps when someone is planning their funeral, there should be more inclusive discussions with family.  Sometimes the person who is planning their funeral might learn that their fears of burdening someone with the cost and effort of arranging a funeral are not well founded.  For most, I believe arranging a funeral that family and friends can attend is not actually a burden at all, but one last thing someone can do for a person they care about. Whilst I agree there should be choice, the importance of a funeral ceremony should not be underestimated. 

Mourning as a family and community practice: a Jewish perspective

Heather L Munro explains the usual expectations of Jewish family and community members for attendance at a graveside burial and during the subsequent ritual mourning period.

Direct Cremation holds little appeal from a Jewish perspective because of concerns about cremation (see commentary Diversity within a religion).  It may also stand in some contrast to the Jewish emphasis on the value of rituals and social support for bereaved family members.  Jewish traditions might not be exactly what Jill’s brother Dave needs (there is no evidence in the story that he is Jewish), but he seems to be looking for the kind of participatory ritual and support that these traditions can offer to people familiar with their purpose and practice.   

Burial must happen quite quickly under Jewish law.  Under normal circumstances, when a Jewish person dies, their family members rush to travel so as not to miss the burial.  Burial ceremonies are the central rituals for death in Judaism, rather than services in a synagogue, so efforts focus on being able to take part in graveside acts such as taking a handful of earth and depositing it on top of the coffin.

Rituals of mourning

Before the burial, kriah is observed by the family.  This involves either making a small tear in one’s garment on the right side, except when one is the parent of the deceased, in which case one rips on the left, or wearing a small pin of ripped fabric, on the left or right side.  These torn clothes are worn for at least the initial part of the subsequent ritual mourning period, which begins as soon as the burial is concluded.

Called ‘sitting shiva’, the ritual mourning involves an initial period of 7 days in which close family members (parents, children, siblings, spouses) observe mourning according to Jewish Law.  Mourners do not participate in normal community activities, such as going to synagogue to pray, during this time.  They stay in the home of the deceased, or their homes, or sometimes the homes of relatives, and sit on low stools or cushions close to the ground.  A 7-day mourning candle is lit, and it burns for the whole period.  The mourners receive friends and family throughout the week, who generally bring food to the home.  People share fond memories of the deceased.  Mourners are generally not allowed to cook during this period, except for a very short time to prepare food for the sabbath (they also come out of the torn clothes of kriah for the sabbath).

On the first day after the burial, there is usually a washing bowl placed outside the home, and visitors ceremonially wash their hands before entering.  This is due to the ritual impurity which is acquired by visiting a cemetery, and the need to wash to dispel impurity before entering a home.  However, the tradition has changed over time and often those who have not visited the cemetery also wash their hands before entering a house of mourning.

Efforts are made by all members of the community to make sure that there is a minyan [a quorum of ten men over the age of 13, in the strictest interpretation] in the home at all three prayer times throughout the seven days.  On the seventh day, the mourners sit shiva for a shorter period of time then generally take a short walk, the first time they have left the house since the burial.

Mirrors in the home are covered, because the death of a person invites dark spirits into a home and these spirits could be seen in mirrors.  The mourners do not wear leather shoes, brush their hair, or put on make-up, as a form of mortification of the flesh, so that they can think more deeply about the meaning of life.  This comes from commandments made to mourners in the Hebrew Bible.

Sitting shiva makes up the first seven days of the greater thirty-day mourning period, or the shlishit [lit. ‘thirty’].  During the remainder of the thirty days, the mourners return to normal life, but they do not participate in any celebrations, such as weddings.  They also abstain from listening to instrumental music for the remainder of the thirty-day period.  This is because they are still in mourning, though not at such a deep level as during the first seven days.  Partaking in joyous occasions and listening to instruments is forbidden as part of being in mourning, and there are also mourning periods each year in the Jewish calendar when these things are not permitted.  For eleven months following the death of a close relative, the mourner says the mourner’s kaddish, a special prayer, during the thrice daily prayers which Jews say.  Every year on the Yahrzeit [anniversary of the day of the death] the kaddish is said during prayers, and a 1-day mourning candle is lit.

Tombstones are traditionally not placed until after the eleven-month period of daily kaddish recitation, but before the first Yahrzeit.  Some Jews today place them after the 7-day shiva period, and others place the tombstone after the shloshim, the 30-day mourning period.  There is no religious reason for this; rather, it is a matter of the traditions of the particular community.  It is customary, when visiting graves of Jewish people, to place small pebbles or stones on the grave, rather than bringing flowers.

The impact of Covid-19 Pandemic restrictions on travel and gathering

As the descriptions of Shiva may suggest, family and community are central to Jewish mourning practices.  During pandemic restrictions on travel and gathering, many relatives were unable to take part in graveside burials.  Mourners often had to sit shiva alone rather than in a larger family group, and they were deprived the visits from the broader community that would usually serve as their only source of food.  In some less observant Jewish communities, people observed Zoom shiva, but many Hasidic Jewish communities do not condone the use of computers or the internet.  Generally, the experience was that mourners were less able to experience shiva in a fulsome way – which highlights the value usually derived from family and broader community support.