Amanda’s funeral

Celebrants and eulogies: representing lives lived

Laura Pusey and Paul Kefford offer some thoughts about the role of funeral celebrants and the practices of developing and sharing people’s life stories.

One of the key roles of the funeral celebrant is often to facilitate the telling of a life story of the person who died.  This is sometimes referred to as the giving of a eulogy or tribute.

Initially, a funeral celebrant often knows little about the person beyond the few details (name, date of death, age) provided by a funeral director.  The funeral celebrant also rarely knows exactly who will attend the funeral, although it will usually include family and friends, current or former work-colleagues of the person who died, neighbours and perhaps some of the wider community.  Some people may attend a funeral primarily as ‘supporters’ of those close to the person who died.  In Amanda’s case, for example, some funeral-goers may want to be there for Brad and/or the children.  These people will have varied knowledge and recollections of the person who died.

Gathering information

The celebrant usually fixes a time to meet those arranging the funeral, most often the closest family of the deceased.  In that coming together, the celebrant spends a little time introducing themselves, explaining how they work, checking they have key details of the person and funeral arrangements correct, establishing who everyone is and listening to the instructions and wishes of those creating the funeral ceremony.  Most times, people who engage the services of a celebrant expect them to tell, or support the telling, of the deceased person’s life story.  This is the case even when the life (and death) of the deceased person was ‘difficult’ or challenging.

Celebrants usually encourage everyone present in the preparatory conversation to share their memories and what they thought should be said about the person who died.  A mindful celebrant would be very attentive to the words and the varied recollections of the individuals in the room.  In the case story, when Amanda’s partner Brad and their children Lewis and Mia meet with the funeral celebrant to discuss Amanda’s funeral arrangements, questions arise around how Amanda might be presented to those who gathered for her funeral.  The three family members each have their personal views of Amanda and how her use of alcohol affected their lives.  They each have a perspective on what should be said.  The celebrant would want to recognise the need for space for their divergent points of view.

Preparing a script and navigating the more difficult aspects of a life

When asked as celebrants to facilitate the telling of someone’s life story, we would always seek to do so in a respectful way.  In cases such as Amanda’s where a challenge such as alcohol dependence had generated suffering for both the person who died and those around her, we would aim to be non-judgemental and try to portray a rounded picture.  This might involve including lighter stories from among the somewhat darker threads of her life, stories gleaned from family holidays or birthdays, for example, and stories chosen to represent experiences of Amanda that people valued – such as the recognition in the case story that Amanda had at times been the life and soul of a party.  Identifying Amanda’s talents and uniqueness can help bring Amanda’s story ‘to life’ and ensure it sounds authentic to all those who gather at her funeral.  We hope all will be able to say at some point in the eulogy “Oh, that is the Amanda I remember”.  

The celebrant may well encourage the family towards an honesty to name the challenges all had faced in their lives with Amanda.  This may go some way to ensure stigma and shame are side-stepped.  A skilled celebrant would then communicate the challenges in such a way as to avoid allowing any difficulty to dominate or be the only defining thing of Amanda’s life.  And certainly, Amanda's alcohol dependence could be expressed in sympathetic tones, portrayed for example, as Brad understood, as an illness not a choice.

As we have recognised, all the ‘players’ in this particular ‘drama’ have their own perspectives of Amanda’s life.  The celebrant must make choices in the writing of the tribute about where to give more colour or shade.  The celebrant would usually share a draft script with the family, both to check for any factual inaccuracies and also to ensure there should be no surprises when it is read in public on the day of the funeral.  At this checking stage, the family may also give further instruction to amplify or omit elements of the narration of the life before they agree to what will be said.

A eulogy in context

Funeral services usually give a sense of finality to the life lived – there is no escaping the reality of a death when those gathered see a coffin being brought into a crematorium ceremony space.  A well-thought through funeral can go some way toward comforting those left behind, and a well-crafted and co-produced eulogy script is an important part of that.  In Amanda’s case the celebrant would find appropriate words to touch on Amanda’s experiences with compassion and dignity. 

But the eulogy is only one part of a funeral ceremony.  When we plan a service, we typically need to weave the story of the life lived, along with any personal tributes and other elements selected by those arranging the funeral, such as a hymn, or a reading or poetry. Music can play a vital part, and the family may have a particular selection of songs or pieces that sum up their feelings, fonder memories of the person who died and hopes for the future.  Sometimes music can speak more eloquently than any number of words, however well-crafted.

In the case story, Mia wishes to speak at her mother’s funeral.  Given the challenges which have been experienced and Mia’s expressed feelings at the time of the meeting, some funeral celebrants might offer to sit with Mia to help her to draft her piece; others might speak with her separately to support her to think through what she wants to say.  The celebrant could also reassure Mia that should she become overwhelmed during the service, the celebrant (or someone else) could read her contribution on her behalf.

Particularly in a case like Amanda’s, some funeral celebrants might invite those who gather at the funeral to consider their role in the support and possible healing process for the family.  They might observe that a funeral is not a space for judgement over decisions made during a lifetime and suggest that perhaps a funeral is a safe space to leave complicated feelings so as not to have to carry them around.

Overall, we usually seek to create a flow within each funeral ceremony towards the moment of farewell.  If there are tears of joy amongst the sadness and an honest sharing of truth that leaves those gathered comforted and content with their closure on that day, the funeral celebrant may have accomplished their role well.

Speaking well of the dead

Vikki Entwistle offers some thoughts on what makes for a good eulogy and why.

In the case story Amanda’s husband and children are discussing what should be said about Amanda at her funeral.  They seem to assume or accept that something should be said about her.  This is not surprising because a eulogy is a typical feature of many funerals in the UK, especially those held in a crematorium and led by a humanist or secular celebrant.  Brad, Mia and Lewis express some concerns and at least initially disagree about what should be said, in part because the alcohol dependence that Amanda lived with (and perhaps died of) overshadowed her life and impacted negatively on them all.  Alcohol dependence is widely regarded as a source of social stigma and the term alcoholic often serves as a shaming label.  This all makes it trickier to know what it would be good and right to say.  

Accuracy, authenticity and a good performance  

A study that asked people to write about the most recent funeral they had attended showed that mourners judge eulogies in terms of their accuracy, authenticity and quality of performance study¹. For the people who took part in the study (disproportionately white, middle class women aged over 50 and living in South East England), it mattered that the eulogy presented a full and accurate representation of the biography, character and identity of the person who died. Of course, those who compose a eulogy can present only a selection of events from a life story and aspects of a person’s character and identity, but mourners generally expect to recognise the presentation of that selection as accurate. 

The authenticity of a eulogy depended, for some people who took part in the study, on it being given by someone who knew the person who died well enough to be considered qualified to speak about them.  Sometimes, however, those nearest and dearest to the person who died prefer someone else to speak on their behalf, and not everyone can secure a funeral officiant or celebrant who knew the person well, so we might also think that it can matter who contributes to and who agrees to the text of a eulogy. 

The performance of a eulogy might be assessed on various criteria. People who took part in the study commented on how well (or not) professional celebrants spoke the words. They also admired the courage of family members who spoke up and the ways they managed their emotions while speaking about the person who died.

Potential for benefit and harm

An additional way of thinking about the appropriateness or otherwise of eulogies and other forms of tribute to people who have died is to consider what good or harm they bring about, and for whom. 

Some people, including Spiritualists, believe that someone who died may be present in spirit at their own funeral and may be able to hear and feel pleased or pained by what is said about them. In contrast, people who believe that sentience ends with death will not think that a dead person can benefit or be harmed so directly by what is said about them. But a belief that sentience ends with death still leaves room for the idea that what is said about someone who has died can reflect more and less well on the person as they were when they were alive.  A eulogy and other public speeches or writing about a person who has died can impact on that person’s legacy and reputation. Malicious lies and uncharitable interpretations of a person’s actions and life, for example, can harm their interests and projects, and the way they are remembered, even after they have died.  

Eulogies can also impact bereaved people, particularly those who continue to care about the person who died (who may be beyond ‘the family’) and who may be affected by what is said about them.  Caring for someone in death can arguably include endeavouring to ensure they are appropriately respected and valued in what is said publicly about them at their funeral and elsewhere.  This need not require that those who give eulogies deny a person’s shortcomings, but it does seem to require some thoughtful consideration of what is said, when, where and how, and what this might imply for different people and their relationships and communities.  Caring for other mourners can include considering ways of ensuring that what is said is helpful – or at least not harmful – to them. 

Eulogies can further impact bereaved people because they express something about and validate (or not) the relationships different people had with the person who died.  Eulogies may both explicitly communicate and more generally reflect what their composer(s) and speaker(s) feel about the person who died: what they appreciated about them and why and how they valued them.  Eulogies thus inevitably say something about the composer(s) and speaker(s) as well as about the person who died and others associated with them in the eulogy.  This is especially true for those nearest and/or dearest who have opportunities to give or contribute to a eulogy. 

There is a suggestion in the case story that Mia might be thinking of ‘getting back’ at her Mum in her wanting to “tell it how it was”.  While such thoughts are understandable, especially if we assume Mia is still a child or teenager, Mia’s family, friends and supporters might have various reasons to counsel her against a ‘vengeful’ negative speech at the funeral.  Apart from the fact that a narrowly focused negative account would probably not do justice to Amanda, there is a strong possibility that Mia herself might come to regret it if she spoke angrily at the main public commemoration of her mother’s life.  Over time, as her grief subsided and reflections matured, Mia might herself come to appreciate Amanda and what she gave her or tried to give her in a more rounded way.  She might come to think that an accusatory outburst against Amanda on that occasion told more against Mia than Amanda (even if forgivable given her youth and the emotional complexity of the situation). 

This is not to say that nothing critical should ever be said of people at their funerals or more generally after their death. Instigators of genocide and crimes against humanity, serial killers and child abusers, for example, are perhaps so bad that public exposure of their wrongdoing and posthumous harming of their reputation are entirely appropriate – and recognition of the wrongs and harms experienced by their victims certainly so. But most people like Amanda who have lived with alcohol dependence that has caused others as well as themselves to suffer are not in this kind of category.  As a related commentary suggests, there are ways of acknowledging suffering without unjustifiably harming the reputation of the person who died and without causing further grief and harm to those who care for them and may be mourning their loss even if they were also hurt by them.

The study referred to in this commentary was conducted by Tara Bailey and Tony Walter. It was published in the journal Mortality in 2016 under the title ‘Funerals against death’.